Fragile As Glass
by RoyxRizaFan
Summary: Lavi leaves the Order one last time, off to begin a new life. His reflections on this change. Hinted LavixLenalee towards the end, but mainly Lavi centric. Oneshot


The rain batted agains the roof of the carriage, trying to reach me. I smirked a little, knowing its efforts were in vain.

Now, I was unreachable.

"Wipe that look off your face," Gramps ordered me, all patience lost from his voice. "History moved, and we must follow."

"What face? I don't have a face." Such a crazy statement, something I usually would have laughed at, just for the sake of laughing. There was nothing to smile for right now, though. I had no reason to live in that fantasy world any longer. Harsh reality had struck me like lightning, and now I was trapped, as if in a small corner, with no escape.

No, there was no light coming through the carriage's small windows, and all that surrounded me was walls and locked doors. There was no escape.

There never had been. I had been blind, that was all. I had created my own surroundings and lived inside of them.

I had been living in my head.

"Quit moping!" he snapped. I glanced up. The way he was looking at me implied that if he had more energy, he would have thrown me out of the moving carriage twenty minutes ago.

If only he had that energy.

"You knew that was only temporary," he added. "You _knew _not to get too attached. How many countless times did I remind you? Yet, you didn't listen. You got caught up – lost in history yourself."

Perhaps I had been carried away. Things had moved so fast that I had lost my footing and had fallen over, spiraling into a world that wasn't my own. Lies, nothing but lies, flooding my senses at all times, all moments. Absolute lies. There was no truth behind it. None of it.

Gramps picked up his glass, taking a sip of the water. "Come on, kid. Drink something. If you die of dehydration, I don't want to have to carry your carcass around with me. Last thing this little carriage needs is extra baggage."

"How can I die of _dehydration _in this weather?" I forced a tiny smirk. It nearly broke my face.

Extra baggage. That was what I had been all along. As I came on missions with my frien- that is, the exorcists, I was nothing but extra baggage. Standing in the background. Part of nothing. Just there, taking up empty space. Why hadn't I seen that sooner? If only I hadn't been so delusional, I wouldn't be in this state right now.

"Drink up!"

"I'm fine, really."

"Ha! As if! Kids your age always have _some _problem. You're never 'fine'. Always hiding behind excuses. That's what you are."

If only I could tell the truth. I hadn't even bothered lying to the exorcists and their colleagues. I had snuck out – hidden. I was too cowardly to face them. I didn't even get the opportunity to lie.

I leaned my head against the chilled window. I was surprised anything could feel cold against my skin at this point.

Outside the window was a small meadow. As we passed by, I spotted a tiny flower, sagging under the weight of the rain. Silently, I prayed its stem wouldn't snap.

There was one person I had been forced to face. Lenalee hadn't allowed me to sneak out. She had chased me down. Thankfully, the Old Panda had been listening in, so I had no choice but to tell the truth for the first time in my life.

That this was always bound to happen.

That I was just a bookman, nothing more.

That it shouldn't hurt, because there was nothing in me that could be hurt.

I had no heart.

I had no love.

Sorry, Lenalee. I'm not alive. Please, find someone who is. Don't break underneath the strain of the rain.

It's turning to hail out there. It continues to bang against the window, trying to break through and reach me. I silently smirk to myself, and this time it doesn't hurt as much. Nothing can reach me. The shell around me is strong enough to deflect anything, no matter how strong it is.

I reach for my water, taking the glass in my hand. It slips from my fingers, shattering into a million pieces on the floor.

Stupid, useless thing. Even the lightest touch was able to break it.

Why is it so damn fragile?

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_Author's notes: Angst fic about Lavi leaving the Order. Lots of symbolism. Hope you enjoyed it and that you'll let me know what you think! I love hearing feedback! Thanks for reading. _


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